The tears are streaming down my face so hard, I can barely see what I am writing. Its been months since I have written a blog although there is so much to share. I don’t see tears as weakness, I see them as strength. The ability to emote, to feel, to relieve. And so I let them come as I continue to write.
This blog, I dedicate to the heart. The most important organ in the body, the symbol which is associated with the deepest emotion – love. When I was growing up, I thought the feelings of the heart were limited to love of the romantic kind; every teenager faces their own share of heart ache and heart break. As I grew up I realised how much more is associated with the heart.
The heart enables you to love your near and dear ones with a depth of emotion described only as ‘with ALL of my heart’. The heart is the part of your body that physically aches when you see a loved one in pain, sadness or any state of upset. My heart is that part of me that throbs with joy when I look at my children. My heart is that part of me that looks at Man of my Dreams and still skips a beat. My heart is that part of me that looks at my 30 year old brother and still sees a little boy clutching at my pyjamas, scared of the dark. My heart is that part of me that is still trying to come to terms with losing my father, the most generous, loving, loyal, helpful, obsessed-with-me person I ever knew. My heart is that part of me that wants to protect my mother, give her joy, happiness and peace and at the same time the part that wants to run to her and hide in her lap.
I pride myself on being an average woman from a simple family. We are good people, we work hard, we play hard, we love hard. We are blessed with family who are good friends and good friends who are family. We have always had more than what we needed and yet, not everything we wanted (as that list is endless for everyone!!) My brother and I are lucky to have parents who’s hearts are larger than life and our legacy from them will always be the lessons they have taught us, the values they have given and in their two very different ways, the love that they envelope us in.
Life is an ironic piece of work. My father died of a heart attack five years ago and my mother has a condition called restrictive cardiomyopathy which is a type of heart failure. So what I’m hearing is, my parents have both been hit by heart disease because their hearts are not strong enough to do the job they are supposed to. What I’m telling you is – this is SHEER BULLSHIT. My father loved with so much of his heart that he needed to get it re-energised. From his perch up there, he is even more powerful to take care of all of us. The strength of my mother’s heart transfered to her kids and grandkids and so it is a little weaker and now it is our job to be her battery chargers; giving back a little of the surplus love she has given us.
I’ve had my fair share of terror, pity parties, angst at the world at large over the past few weeks but here is my overall conclusion. Some people have to grow up faster than others and thats ok because we were blessed with more than our share of shelter and love as children. Some people have more responsibilities earlier in life and thats ok because our coping mechanisms get honed faster. Some people have shorter durations with those that they love and thats ok too becuase that time is far more love-packed than those who might have entire lives together. God only dishes out to the ones he thinks are strongest, the ones he loves the most, becuase we can take it; we are not just fighters, we are also lovers. I would not trade who I am, where I’ve come from or where I’m going for anything. I’m right here where I’m meant to be and I’m ready to take on anything that comes my way; for I was born to the King and Queen of Hearts.